[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
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I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
God has left this place
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
2023 was just a warmup
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.