I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
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A Match(.com), but for socks.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.