Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
You Might Also Like
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route