the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
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unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Not today, today.
Not today.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
📽️movie date🎞️
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?