Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
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*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
This bar smells like my childhood.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
How did we not see this back then?
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.