I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
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“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception