A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
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Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Me, flirting😏
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.