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Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.