Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
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I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card