Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
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*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
incredible text to wake up to
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming