if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
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”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
When a shoelace touches your ankle
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?