Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
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At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired