My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
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I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.