I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
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roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”