If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
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My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink