Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
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Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Dune (2021)
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*