Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
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Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.