I was once killed by a shark escalator.
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ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]