A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
You Might Also Like
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Every haunted house movie:
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold