When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
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The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.