If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
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I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.