“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
You Might Also Like
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Feel. He’s so soft.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.