I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
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Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do