wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
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in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice