So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
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My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
This made me chuckle cuz mood
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
We found love in a hopeless place.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?