detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
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victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude