*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
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I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started