What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
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me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Good point.