“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
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I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see