doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
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Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica