me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
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this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
the council will decide your fate
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.