5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger