Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
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My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question