“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
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My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*