I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
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me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
*mops up wine with cat*
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.