Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
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They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.