I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
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“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
sugar glider wrangler
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that