Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date