How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
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I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.