I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
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The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
The cashier just checked me out.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?