I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
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The future is now.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
We like the way Dwight thinks
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle