Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
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Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
These work great until they don’t.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”