I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
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Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
i really liked this one
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.