[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
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Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8