*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
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Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.