INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
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It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.