[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
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*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee