Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
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People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”