Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
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Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good