An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
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Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.